On November 18th at 11:40 pm the world as I know it changed forever. At that moment my son made a bad decision that will haunt him for the rest of his life. My All-American Boy Next Door Honor Roll kid chose to get behind the wheel of his car after a night of drinking with his friends. In an instant, just blocks from home, he was in an accident.
He called me and said, "Mom, I've been in a little accident." Immediately I kicked into mom mode asking all the right questions, "Are you ok? Is anyone hurt? Where are you?" I almost didn't wake my husband because after an incredibly busy week in corporate America he needed his sleep. At the last minute I ran to get him before racing to the accident scene. What we drove upon was surreal to say the least. Our son's car was completely crushed and he stood at the side of the road alone with his hands in his pockets. The driver of the other vehicle was with her husband getting their children out of their car. Yes, there were children involved and by the grace of God no one was injured. I ran to my son as he stood there in shock. The officer at the scene handed us the owners manual from the car and all of the necessary paperwork and asked me to find the insurance card. Of course we had insurance but for whatever reason the card was missing. At no time did my husband or I suspect our son had been drinking. He was calm and completely coherent. The driver of the other car apologized for not being able to stop sooner. She said she was distracted by her children and didn't see him. He said he thought he had time to turn. The tow truck came and loaded his car onto the bed. After exchanging information the woman drove off. I sat in my car to wait because it was cold... and then my world stopped.
My husband came to me and said, "Please call Ann, Jack has been drinking and I need to know what to do." My world began to spin out of control. I quickly called our attorney friend for advice and was told that he needed to consent to a breathalyzer. I returned to my husband as the officer was explaining what was happening. I felt sick. I needed to be in the car. I tried to tell my husband what Ann had said but it was too late. I couldn't watch this.
Let me explain. Both of my brothers are recovering alcoholics. Both of my brothers have had DUI's. We discuss this. We do not condone our high school aged son drinking and we have zero tolerance for it. He knows the rules. I also thought he knew that if ever there was a time he needed a ride home that he could call me. While I don't condone underage drinking I am not naive enough to think it doesn't exist. I sat in the car and waited. I couldn't watch my son go through a sobriety test and then be hand-cuffed and placed in the back of the police car. Those are things that a mother should not have to be a witness to. I called my older daughter who was out for the evening and asked her to come home to be with her sister. I didn't know how long this would take.
My husband came back to the car and told me I had to go home. He alone was going to the station with Jack. As he dropped me off at home a few minutes later I reminded him of what Ann had told me. Please let him take the breathalyzer test. Neither of us was trying to challenge the system. We know the law. We know about zero tolerance but we are Jack's parents and his future until that moment was very bright. We didn't want to do anything to take that away. We knew he would be punished not only by the courts but by us. We also knew that he would face a suspension at school. All he had worked for these past 4 years was crashing down around us. Academic scholarships were slipping away and the potential for an amazing life were slipping away with it. My husband asked the officer to clarify the law. What were the consequences for refusing a breathalyzer. He was told suspension of his license for a year. That was a chance my husband was willing to take. Losing his freedom and his license for a year was a small price to pay for his lapse in judgement. Following the advice of his father he refused the test.
At home I did all I could think of to do. I scrubbed my basement floors in anticipation of company for Thanksgiving. My daughter came home. We discussed the situation. I heard my husband and Jack come home and I met them at the top of the stairs and Jack crumbled into my arms sobbing. I wanted to feel something but I was numb. I held him for a very long time and let him apologize. We discussed the events of the evening and what led up to it. We did not sleep.
My husband made an effort to go to the office on Saturday. Jack cried. My husband came home crying and it was up to me to hold it together for the two of them. We had to tell our youngest daughter, a freshman, what had happened. She adores her big brother and he was so ashamed of letting her down. He worried about what parents, teachers, coaches would think of him. He called his rugby coach. He called his friends. He asked them to tell their parents and he asked if he could speak to their parents as well. He was very proud of the relationships he had with these adults and he wanted them to know how deeply sorry he was. He apologized to us over and over. He tried to understand the legal ramifications of his actions. He went to work and he asked to go to school with a friend when he got off work to greet the group returning from their Pathways Retreat. Being a parent who has witnessed these Pathways Homecomings three times before I couldn't think of a better place for him to be. He needed to confess to his friends and teachers that he had let them down. He needed to feel the love of God and his community around him. In hindsight this was the best decision we made.
Saturday night was another sleepless night and I had to work on Sunday. I was completely drained and facing a 12 hour day taking care of critically ill babies. As I drove to work I mentally prepared to stay strong all day. As the tears began to fall I knew it was going to be a long day. Fortunately I was surrounded by a family of coworkers who were there to pick me up. I chose to take Monday as a personal day so I just knew I needed to get through. Since my husband wasn't able to accomplish anything at the office on Saturday he also went to work for the day. That left Jack and the girls alone.
We arrived home at the same time to a busy kitchen of cooking kids and warm smiles. Jack's eyes were still red and swollen but there, for the first time, I saw my son behind his haunted eyes. He knows all too well what could have happened to himself or the children in the other car and he will live with that vision for the rest of his life.
My husband and I spoke briefly before dinner and he went to speak with Jack alone. We knew he faced some big challenges going back to school on Monday. The rumor mill had been wild all weekend. Jack decided to go to the Principal first thing and tell him what happened. He knew he would be suspended but he also knew that as a kid who had a spotless track record things would go better for him if he addressed it with the administration right away. I must say that I am very proud of his decision because my husband and I felt that speaking to the principal could wait as Jack had bigger issues to deal with. He also decided to consider leading a Kairos Retreat and sharing his story. If he could help his classmates to see the dangers and long term implications of drinking and driving then his mistake would have value.
Shortly after 9 pm on Sunday night our final child returned home and I felt at peace for the first time in nearly 2 days. I hugged my children and welcomed Tommy home for his Thanksgiving break from college. I knew that I would sleep well knowing that my four babies were under one roof yet again. For one night we could all be protected before our nightmare continued Monday morning.
I woke early Monday to make breakfast but no one was hungry. We stood in the kitchen not knowing what was to come. Jack and Kate were picked up by a friend of Jack's. I was fully prepared to drive them but he felt that would have been too embarrassing and drawn too much attention to him. He faced the administration right away and when the principal called my husband he spoke highly of Jack and how he was facing up to his mistake. He told us how highly respected Jack is at school and how due to his previously clean record he would only be suspended for two days rather than the usual four. He was also willing to let Jack pick the days in order to minimize missing assignments and tests. We are very grateful for that because it would be a shame for the grades that Jack has worked for to be harmed beyond repair.
Our next phone calls came from the Juvenile Court. With Jack facing three charges (Minor in Possession, Driving Under the Influence and refusing the breathalyzer) we will be dealing with several different agencies to resolve these issues and seek a Diversion program for him. Following that call my husband contacted an attorney who was recommended by the school. He also happens to be a family friend so we trust him. It was at this time that my husband realized what a mistake it was to refuse the breathalyzer. Not only will Jack lose his license for one year, he will be required to blow into an alcohol monitoring device each and every time he starts his car for one year after that. Since my children share a car that would not be fair to Kate.She would be a sophomore in high school and have to use this device at school and in front of her friends. In hindsight we wish we understood the legalities of all the decisions which had to be made on Friday. Due to this being Thanksgiving week we have been given a reprieve and can enjoy the week together as a family. Our appointments to resolve our issues begin next Monday morning.
Jack came home from school feeling a sense of relief having this day behind him. He has many long days ahead of him but he is surrounded by a great group of friends who made some really bad choices. He was not alone when he drank and they are all owning up to their part in this whole situation and many good conversations among parents and children are being held. If what happened to Jack can make a difference to others our pain and suffering will be worth all the trouble.
I'm not blogging about this because I am proud of what happened. I am blogging to keep a record for myself and my family. I don't ever want to forget what happened and I don't want Jack to forget either. He is a great kid with a bright future and I love him more than life itself. I can't take his pain but I can be there to support him and help him along the way. If anyone can learn from our lessons then we as parents are also making a difference.
Parents, speak to your children. Let them know the dangers of alcohol and let them know over and over again that while you don't condone it, you love them enough to help them should they ever make a bad decision. In an instant my life was changed forever. Our innocent world came to a crashing halt. Please don't let it happen to you.
